Ambiguous Loss

A friend loaned me this wonderful book (Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief, by Pauline Boss), and it has been helpful both as I provide care in the hospital and as I deal with my own losses. Pauline Boss explores a variety of ambiguous losses, including family members emigrating overseas, dementia, terminal illness, and missing persons. I am reflecting on how my life is touched by each of these kinds of loss. I'm coming to understand that these losses have colored the way I grieve, and the way I relate with my family. Some of these patterns are healthy and enrich my life, such as my attempts to insure my dad's independence and ability to live at home even as he ages and becomes frail, and some have been limiting, such as my distance with my mother around the time of her mortal illness.

I've come to wonder whether most losses are in some way ambiguous. Even sudden, definite losses, such as losing a spouse to a heart attack, can lead to patterns of denial and uncertainty. Joan Dideon's The Year of Magical Thinking is an excellent portrayal of just that situation. Grief is a process by which we make new lives that include loss; grief takes time. Whether the loss is sudden or gradual, grief takes time.